I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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