Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
