that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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