your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
