Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
