mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Randomize
