fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
