On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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