Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
