How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
