Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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