Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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