HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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