I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
