I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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