I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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