a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
