the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
