What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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