At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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