Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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