dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
