I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
