it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
