Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
