I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
