He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
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