As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
