my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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