Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
