I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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