Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
