i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
