i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
