I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
