Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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