I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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