honey bunches of taint.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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