I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
