So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
