Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
