Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
