i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
this just has baby written all over it
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
