I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
