i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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