I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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