oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
