dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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