He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
