She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
