That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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