I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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