i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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