There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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