Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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